The Humanist’s Creed

By Edward Thal /

In an age when many people have turned their backs on God they comfort themselves with a belief structure that fits their personal view on life. It’s subjective, it’s often incoherent, and it would be funny if it were not so sad. The following satire is an adaptation of comments on human-centered thought I read somewhere on the internet. 

I BELIEVE all Religions are Basically the Same:

They all teach Love and Goodness

And differ only on matters of

Creation, Sin, Heaven, Hell, God and Salvation.

I believe there’s something in Horoscopes

UFOs and Bent Spoons.

I believe Jesus was a good man

Like Buddha, Mohammed and, well…me.

He was a good moral teacher.

But I don’t believe in good morals.

 I BELIEVE that Each Person must Find a Truth that Fits.

Certainty is a Relative Concept.

Reality will adapt.

The Universe will adjust.

History will conform.

There is no Absolute Truth

Except the truth that there is No Absolute Truth.

Christians are bad.

I BELIEVE all People are Essentially Good.

It is only their behavior that lets them down.

This is the fault of society.

Faulty Society is caused by Faulty Conditions.

Faulty Conditions are caused by Faulty Society.

This is not circular reasoning:

It is proof that

Christians are to blame.

 I BELIEVE in Peace, Goodwill and Total Disarmament.

I believe there is a direct link between war and bloodshed.

Thus, Americans should beat their guns into tractors

And trust the Russians and the Muslims and the Chinese

Who were civilized long before us,

And don’t believe in killing

Unless it’s for A Very Good Cause.

I BELIEVE in Marx-Freud-Darwin.

Socialism is good.

Average is good because average is normal.

I believe the world is getting better and I am getting better

Despite all evidence to the contrary,

Since I think Good Thoughts and I Feel Your Pain

And I don’t mean to hurt anyone

(To the best of my knowledge,

And to the best of my definition of hurt).

I BELIEVE in Sex Before, During and After Marriage.

Sodomy is Ok. Same sex marriage is Ok. Pornography is Ok.

Taboos are Taboo.

Christians are evil.

I BELIEVE that After Death comes Nothing.

But, if death is not the end

Then it’s compulsory heaven for all

Except, perhaps, Hitler

And Donald Trump.

 

Yet if Chance be the Father of all flesh,

Then Destruction is his Voice

And Disaster is his rainbow in the sky.

So when you hear

Auschwitz! 9/11! ISIS!

Forty Million Abortions in twenty years.

It is but the sound of man worshipping himself.